her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
