I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Dude, Erin Andrews has a nude video circulating the internet.
Is it any good?
Let me put it this way: I bet Stuart Scott's lazy eye went straight after watching that.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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