If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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