just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
