Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
