I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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