WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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