is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Randomize
