so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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