i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
