I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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