If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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