My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Just puked most of my soul out..
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
