I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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