she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
how drunk are you?
Several
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
