You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I think I am morally bankrupt
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
