I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
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