It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
