Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
And then my night got REAL pukey
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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