This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize