I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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