i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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