why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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