Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Randomize
