Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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