I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
