i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Randomize
