Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
