Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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