this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
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