Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
