I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
