someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
