Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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