All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Randomize
