when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
