I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
