the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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