he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
