We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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