was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
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