Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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