i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
sarcasm needs its own font
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize