Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Randomize
