Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
