i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Randomize
