apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize