There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I puked a lego.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
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