IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
