well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
