Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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