And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
