i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
