I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I don't want my vagina anymore.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
