Welp...herpes.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
