I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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