I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
she woke up with a sticky ear
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize