there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
