my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
