My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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