how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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