i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
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