Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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